There is wide agreement that breaking up negative patterns is a common factor in effective couples therapy. Couples therapists work hard to help partners understand their individual roles in patterns using a variety of angles and entry points. This work is largely effective.
The patterns that couples fall into vary quite a bit. It’s tempting to reduce them down into pursuer/distancer, attack/withdraw, victim/victimizer/rescuer and competing hurts, but there are far more variations out there. It may be more useful to help the partners understand the parts of themselves that get activated and entrenched as a way to understand the patterns that occur.
We all commonly experience a variety of perspectives on the events that happen in our lives. For example, when I opened my private practice I noticed a part of me that was excited about it and a part of me that was worried about it. The worried part prompted me to stay on task and make sure that I got all of my tasks done. The excited part encouraged me to celebrate and share this good news with friends and family. Both of these are valid perspectives on the experience of opening a new practice. And if either of these parts of me had complete control over my behaviors, my practice would ultimately fail- maybe sooner rather than later, depending on which part was in control! If I only behaved based on the worried part, I’d likely burn out. If I only behaved based on the excited part, I’d likely not put in enough actual effort to get my taxes done.
The trick seems to be getting to know these different parts in ourselves and helping clients get to know the parts of themselves. Mindfulness is a useful tool in this regard. Mindfulness is a practice widely used in a variety of therapy models today. It evolved from Buddhist meditation practices. Mindfulness can best be experienced by focusing attention on one point of stimulation. I typically use the breath as a focal point and here is the exercise I do with my clients:
“Sit comfortably in your chair. Close your eyes.( I close mine as well). Put all of your attention on your breathing.
There is no right or wrong way to breath. You want to just notice your breath. Maybe you notice air coming in our out of your mouth or nose. Maybe you notice the rise and fall of your shoulders. Maybe it’s the rise and fall of your belly. Just notice your breath and focus all of your attention on one aspect of your breath.
Now, when you notice your thoughts drifting, bring your attention back to your breath. When you get distracted by a sound, bring your attention back to your breath. When you feel a sensation in your body, bring your attention back to your breath…bring your attention back to your breath… bring your attention back to your breath.
Now, bring your attention back into the room.”
I usually say, “bring your attention back to your breath,” after noticing that my attention has wandered away from my own breath. This happens a lot in the 3-5 minutes that we do the mindfulness exercise. It happens more frequently when I do the exercise on my own. The whole point of mindfulness is to notice your experience. To notice when your attention has wandered and to guide it back to a fixed point, your breath. Many people get intimidated by mindfulness believing that the practice is about clearing your mind from any thoughts. This is not the case. Mindfulness is about paying attention and focusing on one experience at a time, being present to one experience at a time.
As people begin to practice mindfulness
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