Team Up Against Anger

I'm a big fan of the Narrative Therapy model. These theorists came up with the idea of externalization. It's a simple and powerful concept. We're not our problems, we're oppressed by our problems. If we can fight against our problems, if we can team up in families against our problems, we can bring all of our resources to bear and avoid shame and stigma.

Couples often engage in conflictual patterns that put both of them in a defensive/angry stance. They become flooded and say and do things that are damaging to their relationship and to each of them.

When couples team up against anger by agreeing to call time-outs on themselves (not on one another), they are effectively teaming up against anger. Stepping away to avoid flooding is the strongest move that an angry couple can make. Letting your partner step away when he's flooded can be difficult, but if you've both agreed that this is far more adaptive then engaging in an angry, explosive exchange, you'll come out ahead.

I always ask the person who has called the self time-out to come back to the table after calming down and re-starting the conversation.

You can slow it down. You can beat the pattern if you team up against the anger.