Apology and Forgiveness

My next "I Get You" workshop is coming up on Saturday, Feb 12 from 9-12 in Evanston and as I prepare for this latest version, I'm struck by some of my findings on apology and forgiveness. These seem like such simple, fundamental repairative skills for couples and yet, there is a surprisingly low amount of research on them. There is a lot more on forgiveness than apology. It seems like these ideas would be completely mapped out by researchers. Maybe this is just a fantasy I have about research- that all meaningful topics are well covered.

I've been looking at apology and forgiveness for the last 6 months, or so, in preparation for another workshop I'm doing at the Illinois Marriage and Family Therapy conference in a couple weeks (the week after the next "I Get You" workshop).

Here's the best of what I've found in the research and clinical literature:

There are many definitions of apology and forgiveness. Forgiveness seems harder to pin down. The researchers have been able to come to some consensus on forgiveness, but there isn't complete agreement. Forgiveness seems to be a concept that may include different things for different people. I guess this should not be a surprise, but it does add an interesting layer of complexity. Forgiveness may be an event, or a process- although most clinicians and researchers (myself included) believe that it is a process rather than an event. Forgiveness may be a gift to the forgiven that is not deserved. It may be a gift for the forgiver, that allows the him to release energy that was tied up in revenge fantasies, or perpetual anger. It may mean that the forgiver lets go. It may mean that the forgiver happens upon the forgiveness, rather than seeks it out.

Apology seems a bit easier thanks to the work of Dr. Les Greenberg. He's found that couples going through an episode of EFT-C (Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples) have more likelihood of getting to honest forgiveness if there is an apology that includes shame on the part of the person who committed that emotional injury. Shame means the person feels badly because they've done a bad thing rather than just because the other person was hurt. There is some mounting empirical evidence to support this idea. A good apology means eating crow and admitting that you've done wrong. Showing your hurt partner that you realize that you've done wrong, and then working as hard as you can to not do wrong again.

These are interesting ideas that we need to understand as therapists and as people. We also need to understand how our clients think about these concepts. Apology and forgiveness are essential relational skills in my opinion.