Team Up Against Anger

I'm a big fan of the Narrative Therapy model. These theorists came up with the idea of externalization. It's a simple and powerful concept. We're not our problems, we're oppressed by our problems. If we can fight against our problems, if we can team up in families against our problems, we can bring all of our resources to bear and avoid shame and stigma.

Couples often engage in conflictual patterns that put both of them in a defensive/angry stance. They become flooded and say and do things that are damaging to their relationship and to each of them.

When couples team up against anger by agreeing to call time-outs on themselves (not on one another), they are effectively teaming up against anger. Stepping away to avoid flooding is the strongest move that an angry couple can make. Letting your partner step away when he's flooded can be difficult, but if you've both agreed that this is far more adaptive then engaging in an angry, explosive exchange, you'll come out ahead.

I always ask the person who has called the self time-out to come back to the table after calming down and re-starting the conversation.

You can slow it down. You can beat the pattern if you team up against the anger.

Nurture Shock

I'm a little late on this book, but I can't say enough about it. Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman have done a fantastic job of collecting the most pertinent and current data on child development and compiling it in a very entertaining way. Check out their website:

http://www.nurtureshock.com/

Private Practice Opening Soon

Starting later this summer, I will be opening a private practice in the Ravenswood neighborhood in Chicago. I'm continuing my 13 year career working with couples, families and individuals in a new setting. My work at The Family Institute at Northwestern was exciting and stimulating, but I'm very excited about the prospect of starting out on my own.

If you, or anyone you know wants to find out about doing therapy with me, or about my I Get You workshops, send me a message at jhetherington.lmft@gmail.com or call me at (773) 791-0469. I look forward to hearing from you.

Apology and Forgiveness

My next "I Get You" workshop is coming up on Saturday, Feb 12 from 9-12 in Evanston and as I prepare for this latest version, I'm struck by some of my findings on apology and forgiveness. These seem like such simple, fundamental repairative skills for couples and yet, there is a surprisingly low amount of research on them. There is a lot more on forgiveness than apology. It seems like these ideas would be completely mapped out by researchers. Maybe this is just a fantasy I have about research- that all meaningful topics are well covered.

I've been looking at apology and forgiveness for the last 6 months, or so, in preparation for another workshop I'm doing at the Illinois Marriage and Family Therapy conference in a couple weeks (the week after the next "I Get You" workshop).

Here's the best of what I've found in the research and clinical literature:

There are many definitions of apology and forgiveness. Forgiveness seems harder to pin down. The researchers have been able to come to some consensus on forgiveness, but there isn't complete agreement. Forgiveness seems to be a concept that may include different things for different people. I guess this should not be a surprise, but it does add an interesting layer of complexity. Forgiveness may be an event, or a process- although most clinicians and researchers (myself included) believe that it is a process rather than an event. Forgiveness may be a gift to the forgiven that is not deserved. It may be a gift for the forgiver, that allows the him to release energy that was tied up in revenge fantasies, or perpetual anger. It may mean that the forgiver lets go. It may mean that the forgiver happens upon the forgiveness, rather than seeks it out.

Apology seems a bit easier thanks to the work of Dr. Les Greenberg. He's found that couples going through an episode of EFT-C (Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples) have more likelihood of getting to honest forgiveness if there is an apology that includes shame on the part of the person who committed that emotional injury. Shame means the person feels badly because they've done a bad thing rather than just because the other person was hurt. There is some mounting empirical evidence to support this idea. A good apology means eating crow and admitting that you've done wrong. Showing your hurt partner that you realize that you've done wrong, and then working as hard as you can to not do wrong again.

These are interesting ideas that we need to understand as therapists and as people. We also need to understand how our clients think about these concepts. Apology and forgiveness are essential relational skills in my opinion.

The Workshop Went Well

Our first installment of "I Get You" went very well. We had a group of three couples who were all reported feeling good about the experience. I'm relieved to have our first experience done and to have the chance to learn from it and make improvements. The next one will be in November and will follow a similar format. We may likely have to move to a larger space though. Thanks to everyone who helped out.

If you were interested but unable to attend, keep your eyes peeled for the next workshop in November. I will make the details available as soon as they become clear to me.

A New Workshop

I Get You: Mindfulness, Validation and Attachment in Couples Relationships

This didactic, experiential workshop brings couples my favorite aspects modern relational research. As a faculty member at The Family Institute, I'm in the unique position of being able to stay in touch with the latest trends in couples therapy and relational research. This 3 hour workshop presents some of the most useful gems from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy and John Gottman's Relational Therapy.

Date: Saturday, July 11

Time: 9-12

Location: The Family Institute, 618 Library Place, Evanston, IL 60201

Cost: $40 per Couple (additional assessment tool available for $20/couple)

Call me or email me with any questions.

(847) 733-4300 Ext. 9703

jhetherington.lmft@gmail.com

IAMFT Conference Focused on Attachment

Attachment is a fundamental piece of relationships. We all expereience some form or style of attachment with our parents or primary care givers and this experience stays with us to some extent throughout our lives. Each new close bond we make either confirms our initial learning or provides us with new lessons about connection.

Sue Johnson did a nice job of showing this, and her model Emotion Focused Therapy, at the IAMFT conference two weeks ago. It was a good experience.